Adventures in online dating.

(February 18, 2007)

Inspired by Celia Ellenberg's article, "Hey, I Like Your Profile..." in this month's Jane Magazine, Meg and I have decided to try online dating. And, by 'try online dating' I mean we've decided to challenge each other to see who can create the most whore-tastic profile to attract the largest number of appalling freaks possible -- it's a freakathon, a freak-off, a freakatition.

We probably won't try Match.com because I think that costs money. Also, I think Dr. Phil endorses that, and Dr. Phil's dead to me. But, we're definitely going to try ConservativeMatch.com (Likes: zygotes, thieving corporations, declaring war on abstract concepts). I'm also really excited about the possibilities of JDate.com (Likes: domineering mothers, delis, Moses). Of course, Celibatepassions.com is probably more up my alley. No pun intended. Snap! Can I 'snap' myself? And, is that a pun, too?

Trekpassions.com might prove to be a bit of a challenge for me, as I've never seen Star Trek (Likes: men who live with their parents? Men who have asthma? Men who also have profiles on celibatepassions.com?), but I'm willing to try to bluff my way through. You know, like in a relationship.

Sportsfriends.com is just out of the question. Ditto for stdsingles.com. Datemypet.com would give me a good excuse to get a puppy (Likes: mutilated furniture, shedding, cleaning up shit). Gothicmatch.com would give me a good excuse to be even more moody and demanding. Plus, then I could borrow my date's eyeliner.

Between JDate.com and greenfriends.com (Likes: recycling, organic pot-lucks, patchouli), I think I've got this thing in the bag. The real competition is going to be on Nerve.com, where Meg has already called dibs on listing giving blow jobs as one of her interests. I call dibs on not wearing underwear, and having sex in public places.