Hogging.

Hey, kids. Gather 'round. Today, I learned about hogging (though, thankfully, not firsthand).

Have you heard of this? Apparently, it's huge. It's when dudes go prowling for obese women, take them home, and humiliate them in various ways. This usually entails the hogee on hands and knees while the hogger makes whatever kinds of noises he thinks a hog makes. But there's a collaborative element to hogging, which is really key. One example, I was told, would be like if a hogger's friend jumped out of a closet with a videocamera in the middle of the hogging.

Hogging is enough of a cultural phenomenon to entail entries in both Wikipedia and the Urban Dictionary. There's also an essay by Sarah Fenske called "Big Game Hunters," which was featured in the anthology 'Scoot Over, Skinny: The Fat Nonfiction Anthology.' And, in volume 27 of the journal, 'Deviant Behavior,' there's an essay called "'Knocking off a Fat Girl': an Exploration of Hogging, Male Sexuality, and Neutralizations." I'm also told there are MySpace and Facebook groups for hoggers, but I haven't mustered the bravery to check those out yet.

I worried that my previous ignorance of hogging might mean that I'd been hogged myself; but, I was told I don't meet the minimum weight requirement, and besides, hogging never leads to relationships.

If hogging is something everyone (but me) already knows about, I have to wonder why potential hogees aren't just a little more guarded. I'm not condoning hogging or anything, but nothing good has ever happened in a Lane Bryant tube top.

Don't we all know when we're out of our league? I mean, the only ridiculously good looking people I trust are my friends, so in the event that a male model-looking dude ever spoke to me, I'd assume he was either gay (and wanted someone to make fun of high-waisted pants with) or blind (and I sound much, much taller, and blonder -- with bigger boobs.). Logically, I think this question makes sense, although I will concede that it does presuppose a moderate sense of self-worth, a pinch of dignity, and possibly a fear of STDs. Unfortunately, not all hogees seem to possess these traits because, as we all know, fat people are sub-human, and exist solely for everyone else's entertainment. Fat guy in a little coat.

Some hoggers argue that hogees like hogging, because at least they get to have sex. Others, I guess, just feel entitled to ruin lives because they're just that awesome.

But, that's beside the point. The more pressing issues, I think, are:

1. Hoggers need to admit that they like hogging. If they didn't, hogging would be physically impossible. You know what I'm saying.
2. Hoggers are taking potential mates from their oversized brethren. Shouldn't that be against the Bro Code?
3. Hoggers are totally gay for each other, hence the collaborative element. And that's all I have to say about hogging. I leave you with some of my favorite quotations from Fenske's essay (http://www.clevescene.com/2003-10-01/news/big-game-hunters/4):

"You're not embarrassed getting shot down by them," Mark says. "You're not embarrassed when they leave."

"I just talk to them like they're complete disgusting pigs," he says. "You gotta break 'em down with insults. Comment on their fat -- 'You're a dirty little pig.' They call me a dick, an asshole, but after a few beers, they're into it."

"Everyone knows that if you want to get belligerent with your friends, hogging is the way to go. It's not something you aspire to, but no one decent is going to talk to you when you're at the bar with your friends, doing shots of Jaeger. Sometimes you just say, 'Fuck it, let's get a pig.'"

"You don't want to have a hot bitch blow you off because she can. You want a fat bitch who'll suck your cock. Last call, I like to get my dick sucked rather than play euchre all night."