Bringing home boredom.

(August 9, 2007)

Today I had to get up kind of early-ish, so when I got home I took a nap, thereby missing the end of What Not to Wear. When I woke up, something called Bringing Home Baby was on my TV. Initially, I was sucked in by the promise of hospital gore, as a clip of the birthing video was included, and the baby was all squinty and sick and covered in blood and baby juice. Man, that baby was pissed. But that portion of the program turned out to be very misleading; for the remainder of the show, a camera crew followed the parents around while they spoke entirely in cliches while sitting around their house, looking at their clean baby. Earth-shattering insights on parenting include:

"It's hard being a parent."
"He's so little."
"I just wish he'd sleep through the night."
"I don't know how to make him stop crying." "He's the most important person in my life, now."

Bor-ing. So, then I decided that I would really like to be on this show; I will rent a baby for an afternoon (the show only follows the parents around the day they bring the baby home from the hospital, hence the title), and say inappropriate things for the TLC camera crew, such as:

"Now I can start drinking again. I mean, liquor."
"Look how big my boobs are now!"
"Yeah, I don't know. I was hoping it'd be cuter."
"It still smells like vagina."
"Am I supposed to feed it every day?"

Kirk's contributions:

"There's stuff coming out of both ends. Which one gets the diaper?"
"Don't forget to go back on the pill, and do it right this time!"
"He really does look like the mailman, doesn't he?"
"What do you mean you can't put it back in?"
"Your boobs are going to stay that big, right?"
"So, when are you going to start speaking English?"
"Ok, pregnancy's over. You can't blame hormones for your bitchiness anymore."
"So how long will it take before you get rid of those stretch marks?"
"Don't worry, TV will keep it busy when we're not watching it."