50% more allergic!

(June 12, 2008)

I used to think about having children in the same manner I think about doing my taxes: Eh. I'll do it later. But nannying this summer has forced me to consider logistics, which makes me wonder if I should revise my notion of child rearing as an inevitability. I might actually have to think about this. For example:

Did you know many car seats require an advanced degree in mechanical engineering for installation?

Did you know that, if a kid is allergic to soy or dairy, that's a collosal pain in the ass? Did you know that if a kid is allergic to both soy and dairy, there's a pretty good chance you'll accidentaly kill it -- and it will cost more to feed your kid than an entire stable full of ponies?

I don't understand how anyone who stays home alone with children all day is not an agoraphobe. Sally, Charlie and I are planning a trip to the pool after nap time. Did you know that this requires a kind of deranged military precision?

Wrangle both children into bathing suits, then car. Take 32 so Charlie doesn't have time to fall asleep in the car because he's always in a bad mood if he's woken up and when he's in a bad mood, he starts biting Sally. Sally won't use the Aveeno sunblock because it's "stinky," so bring the spray kind, too. Somehow, make sure that none of the spray kind gets on Charlie -- even though he insists on being held almost all of the time -- because the spray kind has soy oil in it, and he's allergic to soy. Get Sally a strawberry and banana smoothie. Get Charlie a raspberry and pineapple smoothie, but make sure the underpaid wage slave at the cafe washes the blender in between smoothies, because Sally's will be made with yogurt, and Charlie's allergic to dairy. Somehow, get sunblock on Charlie without causing a scene because if he cries, everyone will assume you're an inept child care provider, a terrible human being, or his mother. Do not allow children to drown in pool. Have fun!

My God. Having kids seems like it takes an awful lot of, you know, effort. And that part definitely does not appeal to me nearly as much as being able to force someone else to do household chores.