Butt Cracks!

(May 2, 2008)

1. One of my roommates anticipates having sex this weekend, so she got a Brazilian wax. I've never thought it might be a good idea to pay a stranger to violently rip out all the hair in my genital area with hot wax, so I had no idea how thorough the procedure actually is. Apparently, the waxing occurs not only on the surface, but also underneath, and all the way up the butt crack.

2. I was going to interview for a job as a bartender at a strip club, in pursuit of my enduring dream of pulling in a load of cash really quickly with minimal effort. I'm not saying it's right to profit from other women's childhood sexual trauma -- but I'm a utilitarian, so I've found multiple ways to justify earning a cut from the deaths of feminism and childhood innocence. I've never been to a strip club before because, you know, they're gross. But SMF told me that since I was interviewing for an upscale establishment, I'd probably be asked to go above and beyond the call of duty and serve shots from my butt crack and/or cleavage. I'm not willing to meet any gentleman willing to ingest something served in such close proximity to my pooper. And in the event that he might want to follow a butt shot with a cleavage chaser, I certainly don't want his face that close to my face.

3. Sally has some kind of fixation with her butt crack. We talk about it all the time, and she likes to touch it, which means that my existing hand washing fixation has intensified. Sally's mother, a psychiatrist, told me that personality is fully realized before the age of five. Sally's three, so I guess she's still in Freud's anal stage. Of course, Freud's been pretty thoroughly discredited by now, so I have to wonder whether this is foreshadowing a future butt crack fixation, and whether I watch "Little Einsteins" three days a week with someone who will eventually use her butt crack as a serving tray.

4. I went tanning today. There was a long line for Melanoma, so I read the Tanning Tips handout for the first time, which advised me to lift my hips and spread my butt cheeks to avoid tan lines on my butt crack. I am uncomfortable lying naked on a heated surface on which someone before me has just spread his or her butt cheeks.