CockBibs: Keys to Not Getting a Blow Job by Tracie
5.19.09
Oh god. Washington City Paper introduces us to the CockBib, an adult novelty item worn around a penis, making "cleanup after oral sex a breeze." Because getting head can be a hassle for men!
The slogans on the CockBibs are so stupid, and the mental image of dangling a piece of cloth off an erect penis is so ridiculous, that it's impossible to imagine that they could ever be truly utilized, because most women who came face to face with such a thing would either laugh too much to actually suck a dick, or be completely turned off by the dork attached to it. The creator of the CockBib came up with his invention after being a "victim of another sloppy blow job" and thought to himself, "Damn, I can't just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls." It was my understanding that most guys liked having their balls licked and sucked on. It was also my understanding that most men make do with dirty underwear, a sheet corner, or, you know, evaporation, for a hideous problem like damp balls.
But what do I know? Maybe this is something that every man kept a secret from us for centuries up until now. I have to say though that if they're going to be babies about it, a bib is fitting.
WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE MEN???? THEIR BALLS ARE ALL WET AND DROOLY. WET AND DROOLY!!!!
Damn if they're that devoted to cleanliness, I suggest they just get sexy with the vacuum hose.
It's not like you're eating a lobster.
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"It Would be Disgusting to Wipe Wet Balls Off with the Corner of a F*cking Sheet." by Tracie
5.22.09
Earlier this week, we posted about CockBibs, an adult novelty item intended to keep balls dry during a blow job. Well, someone purporting to be the CockBibs' inventor wrote us last night, saying he "had no choice but to respond."
I just read this article that you guys wrote on CockBibs and it was very dissapointing to say the least. You guys were so hard on me and my CockBibs that I feel I have no choice but to respond. As a man I love to get my balls sucked and licked, but what I don't love is a quart of saliva in my pubes, making is way down to my balls, with every intention of reaching my ass! It would be disgusting to ask a man to keep on some dirty wet underwear or wipe his wet balls off with the corner of a f*cking sheet. It would be even worse to let it evaporate. Would you as women let our saliva dry up on you? Would you go to sleep in some wet panties? I think not! I am thankful that we now have CockBibs, I would have been using these years ago if they were around. I am sure that you guys know that this is purely a novelty. Thought it can be utilized to keep ones balls dry, and quite effectively might I add, it primarily functions as a funny gag gift meant to bring a smile to someones face. I would like to think that everyone could find the humor in CockBibs, but what can I really expect, this is a femminist site right? I Do have to thank you guys though because you have inspired a new CockBib and that CockBib shall read... " Jezebels Need Only Apply!"! Maybe then you guys will lighten up and stop slamming CockBibs.
That's OK, Mr. CockBib. We would not want to take part in any blow job-related gag you have to offer us.
Related: we were not the only people to be on the receiving end of his marketing wrath. Amanda Hess, who wrote about CockBibs for the Washington City Paper's blog, emailed us to let us know that someone from Cockbibs HQ got all up in her comments section. "Some person from the CockBib coalition began posting a bunch of fake comments under my name and others (from the same IP address). They started out just being PR ("lol I love these CockBibs I'm going to buy one for my husband!") and then started to get more personal." This one is her favorite:
1. Amanda Hess Says:When these don't sell, maybe he can re-purpose and re-brand them to LonelyFaceBibs- which keep your cheeks dry whilst you are crying because "Femminists" are mean bitches who won't give you blow jobs.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:29 pm editLook at me, I'm amanda hess. I work for jezebel so I am special! I can show everyone my super posting powers because I am amanda hess! lol
"It would be disgusting to ask a man to keep on some dirty wet underwear or wipe his wet balls off with the corner of a f*cking sheet."
You know what else might be kind of disgusting? Putting a dick in my MOUTH. Shut up CockBib guy, it was kind of funny as a novelty, but then you had to go getting all serious.
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CockBibs Inventor Has a Few Words for Our Commenters by Hortense
5.24.09
The mysterious inventor of CockBibs has already written one Crap Email to express his disgust with our take on his product. But after that email was posted, he felt the need to respond—again.I hate to break it to you guys, but Mr. Cockbibs is NOT pleased with you, nor is he amused by your comments. In fact, he calls several of our commenters out by name, which indicates that at least a handful of you are on the CockBib Enemies List.
Subject: I don't give a shit what your readers think, i sell CockBibs Baby.. get it right!
What is this shit? I created the CockBib.... and this is the mutherfucking thanks I get?
It was my understanding that feminist were supposed to to have some level of intelligence, and if not that at least some common sense. I not at all surprised at your readers comments which broadly displays their lack of self respect and decency.
I have never seen such unladylike like behavior in my life. They sound like a bunch of dirty mouth male bashing whores running to jump on the "I'm gonna hate CockBibs because she said she hates Cockbibs" bandwagon! I don't give a fuck what your degenrate readers (the ones who made those nasty comments) think about my product.
Lets be clear.. I am not purporting anything, I am the creator of the CockBib and I am not confused on whether or not my CockBib is a novelty or a utility item. It is a novelty item that can be utilized.
For example, I am sure you and some of your readers have been to a bachelorette party and I am sure at that party they had novelty items such as penis straws, penis candy, penis paper plates and cups, etc. The point is just because they are novelty items does not mean that they can't be functional. You can still eat the penis candy, sip from the penis cup with a penis straw and eat off the penis paper plate.
To your readers,
I understand that you guys may not be completely happy with your lives. Some of you are single and lonely, some of you are married and unhappy, some of you are divorced or headed there. Some of you are lesbians which if you are not outwardly comfortable, can be dificult! Shit, some of you might be happily married but just feel the need to bitch about something!
What I am trying to say is that I understand. I understand that when you guys get together and post hate filled comments on sites like Jezebel.com, about people you don't know anything about, it makes you feel just little bit better about yourselves. It gives you a sense of sisterhood and belonging when joining forces to use your super human bitching powers against the creator of the offensive "CockBib". My advice to you is (not like you will use it) try to do somthing more useful with your time than eating, bitching, hating on men and posting your problems away on Jezebel.com!
Regardless of what you guys think or say about me I am happy. How many of you can truly say the same?
Also, please tell the following readers I said fuck you!
pursedangler: fuck you
ichago18: fuck you
andbegorrah: fuck you
Ibleedglitter: you're cool
and natekyswhoreskidsister: fuck you
I am out!
***Oh, and to MorningGloria, I guarantee you that this "illiterate fucker" makes more money than you do! :)**
Oh snap! You just got told by a man who makes novelty bibs for men who don't want saliva on their balls, which, in case you were wondering, is the internet equivalent of being given the evil eye by the dude who works behind the counter at Spencer Gifts.
Will we ever reach the heights of Mr. CockBibs? Will we ever be able to touch the CockBib-enhanced stars that sail across his novelty product stars? Alas, perhaps we shall never know. For all we are, after all, is a bunch of "dirty mouth male bashing whores" who lack the "decency" of Mr. CockBibs.
Oh, and for the record, Mr. CockBibs, we are plenty happy. This is probably due to the fact that our boyfriends recognize that bibs are for, well, babies. But good luck to you, good sir! May your condescending, woman-bashing ways ensure that saliva on your balls won't be a problem you have to worry about for a long, long time, bib or no bib.
Update: The Urban Dictionary defines a cockbib as "A person who whines excessively about a common, everyday occurrence that the vast majority of people have no trouble handling or do not even recognize as a problem." You guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
For those of you who were wondering what ever happened to the guy from "True Life: I'm Getting Married, Staten Island Edition," well, I think it's now pretty clear that he went on to invent cockbibs.
"I created the Cockbib and this is the mutherfucking thanks I get?"
Why SHOULD I give you any thanks, you self-congratulatory asshat? I don't have balls that will be lovingly draped in your silly invention. Come up with a Vag Vest or Pussy Ponchos, or a Bits Beret and then I'll give you your props.
And it was MY understanding that if you're going to call someone's intelligence into question, you should possess at least some skill in spelling, grammar, and/or knowing when you're being a hypocrite.
Thanks for playing!
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"I Know How You All Look Forward to Your Weekly Rampaging Bitch Sessions About Me and [CockBibs]" by Tracie
8.10.09
Do you remember CockBibs? Or the unhinged man who invented them? Well, he's firing off angry emails to us again. This time, he's irate about an Urban Dictionary definition that Jezebel readers created—and made popular!—for the term "cockbib."All typos have been left unedited, because, well, it's just more fun that way.
I know that it has been a while since you have heard from me but I just wanted you and your readers know that CockBibs are Alive and Kicking! Sorry for dissappearing on you and your readers like that, I know how you all looked forward to your weekly rampaging bitch sessions about me and product.
It's funny, I took the time to read ALL the comments and I noticed that one of you readers took it upon themselves to create a definition for CockBib and a bunch of your readers co-signed this dumb ass definition! Lets just say I am not amused! I DEMAND that your readers go back to the urban dictionary and give that definition the Thumbs Down! Its like over 2000 Up Votes! I mean, what the Hell? Are you guys gonna start burning Cockbibs next in protest of them or throwing paint on then. I am sure your clever readers will find some new and innovative way to desecrate my bibs.
I guess he's trying to tell us that he prefer we spit on, rather than talk shit on his CockBibs.
Look, its not like I am selling Gangster Rap, Fur Coats or clubbing baby seals. Cut me a Friggen Break! I am really pissed about this urban dictionary shit! I did not work this hard to create a product just so that you and your readers can poke fun at it and misrepresent it! Alot of time and care goes into what I do and I happen to have a great product, as it turns out is more people buy it as a Gag Gift than a Blowjob Bib but Fuck It, Whatever! Its still funny as hell!
Tracie, I have no problem with you but it is your responsibilty to fix this!
He's right. It is my responsibility to fix this. I can't believe that the Urban Dictionary definition of cockbib ("A person who whines excessively about a common, everyday occurrence that the vast majority of people have no trouble handling or do not even recognize as a problem") is hovering around 2500. It should be way more. So go over and vote for it today!
ha ha ha, "work this hard." Dude. You took a bib, narrowed the hole considerably, and stuck it on your cock. One time I masturbated by sitting on a massaging chair, but I didn't invent the vibrator.
OMFG I just noticed the "get this definition on a mug" button. AMAZING. Now if only there was a "get this definition on a highball glass" button. I think I'm going to start hosting a weekly cocktail hour dedicated to "rampaging bitch sessions" in his honor.
It's a cockbibbin' shame that this cockbib just out-cockbibbed himself. He ought to cockbib up and just get a cockbibbin' clue! How many cockbibs does it take to cockbib in a cockbib? Cockbib.
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