The Sorostitute Manifesto

Three years later, I still get the occasional email request for copies of the Manifestos. And one day, they will almost certainly get one or both of their authors in trouble.

The Sorostitute Manifesto
By Sarah G. & Meg T.

Dedicated to that Sorostitute Meg overheard talking to her Dude who said, “I’m starving. But I’m not eating today.”


The Complexities of Sorostitution

The Sorostitute is indigenous to the United States.[1] No one knows why it’s cool to be a Sorostitute[2]. Sorostitution lasts an indefinite period of time (see also Sorostitute Entertainment). A novel cultural oddity, the Sorostitute is a fascinating paradox. Self-absorbed, yet utterly lacking self-awareness, the Sorostitute drifts through life without any system of values or priorities in place until, as suddenly as it began, Sorostitution ends.

The Sorostitute is unable to discern or assign value.[3] Either she likes something, or, in her mind, it doesn’t exist. The Sorostitute’s anger, therefore, is fascinating; though she is seemingly surrounded by things she likes, she still suffers from general malaise and discontent (see also When a Sorostitute Loves a Dude).

Collectively, we really want to believe that the Sorostitute is harmless. Dangerous Hollywood stereotypes (i.e. Legally Blonde’s Elle Woods) portray the Sorostitute as a benevolent idiot, eager to improve the lives of others. In reality, the Sorostitute is more similar to a bronzed, highlighted caged animal; a quiet violence bubbles just below the surface. Do not provoke the Sorostitute.[4]

Sorostitutes only experience four states of being: angry, bored, reflective[5] or semi-conscious. The Sorostitute doesn’t know why she’s angry. She doesn’t even know she’s angry. She knows no other way.

Sorostitutes strive to stand out for their sameness, and openly hate anyone who does not share the Sorostitute lifestlye. The dominant feature shared by Sorostitutes is consistent anger. Sorostitutes are loose canons.[6] While always hovering near the point of blind rage, the Sorostitute is especially annoyed by waiting. It’s not that Sorostitutes are inherently impatient, it’s just that they don’t understand waiting because they’re obviously more important than everyone else. Sorostitutes are used to making demands and having them met in a timely fashion. They hate thanking people, because gratitude shows weakness in the Sorostitute’s mind. Gratitude is for beggars and they’re gross because they’re poor.

The Sorostitute’s anger is always self-centered. They get really angry, for example, when they have to wait to turn left at a traffic light or when they have to wait three weeks to get highlights, but they don’t get at all upset about injustice done to others. The Sorostitute doesn’t even notice social injustice because if it’s not about her, it might exist, but it doesn’t matter.

The Sorostitute does not grasp the concept of time. It’s not that she doesn’t care about the past or the future, it’s just that she is in and of the moment. This is a key feature of the Sorostitute; she chooses to dress and adorn herself in accordance with current trends, abiding by cultural standards of beauty. The Sorostitute, therefore, loves pain. Ever willing to wax, varnish and char herself, the Sorostitute is a product of our time, embodying our intrinsic social mores. It is important to remember, then, that we must be patient and wait for Sorostitution to pass. We created the Sorostitute and, though she is unpleasant to encounter, we can only blame ourselves for her presence.

Another key feature of the Sorostitute is that she is always at least partially blonde. Brunettes get highlights and diet. Redheads must compensate by being tan.

Sorostitutes all communicate in a nasally, sing-song voice and will never end a sentence, preferring instead to trail off because they expect you to know how they would end the sentence if they could be bothered to do so. Failure to understand the Sorostitute often results in frustration on her part, which she takes out on whoever’s closest to her.

Sorostitutes are serious by nature and hate humor, but get a big kick out of other people’s misery if they somehow benefit from it. They don’t think it’s funny when homeless people ask them for money because poverty pisses them off, but they think it’s hilarious when another woman gains weight, breaks up with her boyfriend, or falls down in public. Sorostitutes think there is a limited amount of happiness to go around in the world, so someone else’s suffering means more potential happiness for them. Unfortunately, the Sorostitute can rarely enjoy her victories, as she has to maintain the veneer of being angry or bored at all times.

Not that the Sorostitute ever does anything, but she refuses to waste time. Really, all she ever does is shop, tan, buy lattes and get drunk. The Sorostitute lives in the moment. She’s uninterested in the past or the future because she only fully comprehends the present. She’s very carpe diem. No day but today.[7] Sorostitutes don’t engage in free time. They are not even familiar with the concept.

Sorostitute Mobility

The Sorostitute is always on the go. During daylight hours, the Sorostitute is most commonly seen in a vehicle, fluffing her hair, reapplying lip gloss, or berating her passengers. Sorostitutes like the Jeep Liberty, the Jetta, the Honda Civic, or the new Beetle.[8] They’ll also drive anything with a BMW, Mercedes, or Lexus logo.

The Sorostitute is almost always on her cell phone, and driving is no exception. She’s plotting her next location, which is either a tanning salon, a mall, or Starbucks.

At night, the Sorostitute is either at a bar or at a party with a bar in it, but she’s always bored and impatient to get to her next location so she can look bored there.

When Sorostitutes Dress Up

The Sorostitute will not tolerate wavy, curly, short, or monochromatic hair. Lips must always be shiny. Shoes must be open-toed. In winter, boots must have stiletto heels.[9] It’s essential that shirts worn out on Friday and Saturday nights be conducive to body shots. At least one item of clothing should be bedazzled. She should be wearing that bracelet from Tiffany’s with the tag on it. The Sorostitute’s cell phone must also be dressed up, accessorized with a TRL ring tone and a jewel-encrusted exterior.

During the day, the largest sunglasses possible are worn, which are also normally bedazzled. Sorostitutes love pairing frayed denim with skin belts. In the Sorostitutes’ mind, frayed denim is ideal because it can be dressed up or down; when worn with heels, any piece of frayed denim becomes formal wear. The Sorostitute counter-intuitively prefers to wear heels for all occasions and can be seen tottering down High Street, clutching someone’s elbow for balance and yelling into a jewel-encrusted cell phone.

Sorostitute Pets

Sorostitutes own dogs. The smaller, the better, much like the Sorostitute herself.

Sorostitute Names

Sorostitutes are almost always named Ashley. But sometimes they have names that end in ‘A,’ like Shana, Jenna, Kara, Laura, Kira, and Sara.[10] Occasionally, they’re named after complimentary abstract concepts, like Faith, Hope, or Charity, and they see nothing funny about that. The fastest growing group of Sorostitutes, though, has unisex names like Riley, Taylor, Adrian, and Ryan.

Sorostitute Food[11]









Virtual Sorostitute

Sorostitutes have Myspace pages because their lives are better than yours. The Sorostitute’s Myspace page is very well maintained, yet completely devoid of substance, much like the Sorostitute herself. She usually has at least 300 friends, only three blogs, which consist of her terrible, reflective poetry, and a slideshow with the same, repeated pose of her with three or four other people holding shots. The background is predominantly lavender or pink hued with star outlines and / or hearts. Any amount of animated glitter is a bonus.

Her interests are limited to “hanging out,” “meeting new people,” “shopping,” “tanning,” and “just doing whatever.” Her pictures showcase her, scantily-clad and / or kissing other Sorostitutes, or posed with her Dude at a moderately priced chain restaurant. Her song is carefully chosen from the catalogues of Beyonce, Jessica Simpson, or Nick Lachey. Somewhere on her page, the Sorostitute should express her displeasure and boredom with her geographic location.

Every comment left for the Sorostitute must somehow pertain to drinking or the “crazy” night she and her friends had the night before doing the exact same thing they did last weekend.[12] Every weekend, the Sorostitute goes big, as if it’s the first and last time a weekend will ever happen.

Her headline is always an inspirational cliché, such as, “Dance like no one’s watching,” even though when the Sorostitute is dancing, someone better be watching. And planning to buy her a shot.

Academic Sorostitute

The Sorostitute only goes to class to cultivate an artificial air of careless perfection. For some reason, Sorostitutes think it’s ok to wear sweatpants in public as long as something is written across the ass.[13] By coming to class in sweatpants, she sends a signal to Dudes that she is low-maintenance and, therefore, a desirable mate. She believes this is true. Sorostitutes love rolling down the waist of their sweatpants to make them low-rise because Sorostitutes love showing off their thongs and / or hip tattoos.[14]

When the Sorostitute is required to write, she uses something adorable, like a pen with a fob at the end that writes in pink or purple ink, which makes it more fun to dot an ‘I’ with a star, a heart, or a little circle.

The Sorostitute demands a clear motive for every assignment given in class and does not hesitate to ask why she has to do anything; she needs to know why she’s made to do homework when she could be doing something interesting, like going through the Starbucks drive through or watching Oprah.[15]

Sorostitute Holidays

Sorostitutes love any holiday that involves getting presents. Sorostitutes probably also give gifts for holidays, but there’s no record of a Sorostitute giving any gifts ever, except to her Lil Sis during pledge time.

Even though there are no presents, the Sorostitute’s favorite holiday is Halloween because she gets to wear sexy costumes. A Sorostitute will wear pretty much any Halloween costume, as long as it can be prefaced with the word ‘sexy.’[16] This is great for the Sorostitute because since their costumes consist of little fabric, there’s no waistband to roll down.[17]

Sorostitutes believe Cinco de Mayo, Mardi Gras, and Spring Break are holidays created just for them, and they are prone to commemorate such occasions with piercings, tattoos, or an extra dash of promiscuity. Of course, rampant drug use will also occur, but only drugs that, to the Sorostitute, convey a respectable social status. Sorostitutes prefer cocaine, but will periodically indulge in Adderol. Sorostitutes only use stimulants because pot makes them hungry and acid makes them confused, which they hate.

Every moment of Sorostitutes’ lives is documented in photos, but don’t mistake this for a love of photography because Sorostitutes hate almost everything. Sorostitutes love taking pictures of themselves in the same pose[18] with four or five of their friends.

Sorostitute Spirituality

Sorostitutes believe in God, but, like, you know. They’re more “spiritual” than religious.

Aberration: The Sorostitarian

The Sorostitarian is a Sorostitute that happens to be a vegetarian, and really likes to talk about it. All the time.

The Sorostitarian is similar to the Alpha Dude that pops his collar in that she is the wild-and-crazy, on-the-fringe member of the group. In each group, there’s only room for one. She’s often overheard talking about how hard it is to be a vegetarian, thereby calling attention to her suffering, because the Sorostitute loves to suffer.

Aberration: The Sorostiposeur

The Sorostiposeur is any young woman that doesn’t quite fit the Sorostitute mold, but tries to anyway. Her misfit status could manifest itself in her willingness to eat seven days a week, having career ambitions, listening to classic rock, driving a Ford, being single, or having monochromatic hair. Sorostitutes generally embrace the Sorostiposeur because they don’t like it when people are different.

Aberration: The Sorostilez

Very few Sorostitutes are actually lesbians, but every Sorostitute is kind of gay for free drinks. Sorostitutes like to make out with each other if the occasion warrants it, like if they get attention, alcohol, or fame.[19]

Aberration: The Fat One

The Fat One[20] is different from the Sorostiposeur in that she embodies all the features of the classic Sorostitute, except that she’s overweight. The Fat One knows her role within the Sorostitute hierarchy, and must compensate for her weight by being uber-slutty. Being the Fat One hinders her ability to get Dudes, so the other Sorostitutes like her because she’s not competition.[21]

When a Sorostitute Loves a Dude

Sorostitutes show affection by having really high expectations. Some might call them unmeetable standards, really. Sorostitutes don’t even really know what their standards are, but they know they’re seeking perfection. In relationships, Sorostitutes whine incessantly and never express gratitude or satisfaction.

Sorostitutes should aspire to be in a relationship at all times, as they are very dependent on their Dudes. Sorostitutes and Dudes go on dates to Chili’s, Applebee’s, P.F. Chang’s or the Olive Garden, because Sorostitutes love upscale casual. Sorostitutes use their Dudes to vent frustrations about waiting, having to pay for things, having tan lines, and having to share the earth with other women.

The Sorostitute should try to lose her virginity by the age of fourteen, thereby beginning a lengthy cycle of paranoia and suspicion. Sorostitutes are very worried about losing their Dudes to other women, so they like to go through Dudes’ cell phones and delete the phone numbers of every other woman the Dude knows.

Sorostitutes interrogate their Dudes relentlessly. They love to quiz their Dudes on the details of the day, including everyone he saw or talked to, and how he thinks he could possibly justify wasting that time on other people instead of slavishly devoting all of his attention to her.[22]

Sorostitute Entertainment

Sorostitutes like reality TV in general, but they especially enjoy shows such as Laguna Beach, The Bachelor, The Real World, and American Idol because they feature other Sorostitutes. They also like The O.C. and Pretty Woman. Highbrow Sorostitutes like Clueless, but this requires knowledge of the past, as Clueless was made so long ago, it might as well be Casablanca in the Sorostitute’s mind.

In terms of recent cinematic experiences, Sorostitutes have certainly seen The Notebook, but they don’t know who Nicholas Sparks is.[23] Because the Sorostitute is unwilling to assign value, she will literally watch anything. And Dudes love that.

The Sorostitute is always searching for entertainment, though she does not recognize boredom as the root of her discontent.[24]



The Sorostitute Dictionary

Anyway: a filler word that signals the end of a sentence
Bitch: 1. a Sorostitute’s enemy 2. a Sorostitute’s best friend
Butt-hurt: a state of being that describes disappointment, sadness, or anger
Dunzo: derivative of the word ‘done’
syn. finished, over
So: a filler word that signals the end of a sentence
Sorostiscot: 1. a female the Sorostitute looks up to 2. a famous Sorostitute
What: a two-syllable word that denotes curiosity or lack of understanding[25]
syn. why
Whatever: 1. a filler word that signals the end of a sentence 2. an expression of flippancy
or disdain
Why: a two-syllable word that denotes curiosity or lack of understanding
syn. what
You know: a filler phrase that signals the end of a sentence



Sorostiscots:

Paris Hilton
Lindsey Lohan
Nicole Richie
Anna Nicole Smith (but only when she’s thin)
All of the Pussycat Dolls
Pamela Anderson
Jennifer Lopez
Mischa Barton
Tara Reid
Jessica Simpson
Every supermodel ever[26]
Kristin Cavallari
Christina Aguilera
Angelina Jolie (but only because she stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston)



How to Talk to a Sorostitute[27]:

1. Remember that everything is a competition; try not to say anything that could possibly be interpreted as aggressive.
2. Make sure to preface compliments with the phrase “Oh my God” to convey your sincerity.
3. Speak slowly and simply to avoid potential confusion.
4. Give her plenty of time to talk about herself. Don’t share anything about yourself unless she asks.
5. Give her plenty of opportunity to complain about things that don’t matter.
6. Try to look bored to establish camaraderie.
7. Remember that you are subordinate to her.



Things That Sorostitutes Don’t Know Exist

Aging
Debt relief
Contemporary poetry
Ethiopia
Farming
Serenity
Free time
Recycling
Injustice
Manual labor
Rotary phones
Martin Scorsese
Paisley
Grunge, punk, folk, and bluegrass
Tapes
The New Yorker
Native American Reservations
Graduation[28]
Melanoma
Renewable energy


A Sorostitute’s List

Likes:
UV rays
Manipulating men
Abundance
Pain and suffering
Skin belts
Cocaine
Trailing off
Inspiring fear
Cruelty
Cosmopolitan
Adornment
Pillow shams
Neiman Marcus
Bleached hair and teeth
Clutches
Spending others’ money


Dislikes:
Sunscreen
Other women
Poverty
Being confused
Turtlenecks
Carbohydrates
Complete sentences
Forgiveness
One-piece bathing suits
Newspapers
Simplicity
The History channel
Kmart
Freckles and enlarged pores
Messenger Bags
Studying


[1] The Sorostitute does not understand geography. For example, Canada is so far away it’s not even worth thinking about, mainly because there aren’t beaches there for her to go to during Spring Break.
[2] The onset of Sorostitution usually corresponds with the beginning of adolescence.
[3] An accidental positive side effect is that the Sorostitute fails to see color. Unable to discriminate on the basis of race, the Sorostitute sees only socioeconomic status and, therefore, hates poor people indiscriminately.
[4] Provocation could include talking to the Sorostitute’s boyfriend, making her wait in line, asking her to move her car, or suggesting that she get a job.
[5] They only get reflective when something major happens, such as a haircut, a break-up, a weight loss or gain, or a major purchase. When in this state, they like to withdraw into solitude and write terrible poetry in Comic Sans font, which they post on Myspace with blinking heart-shaped cursors.
[6] It isn’t recommended that you call a Sorostitute a loose canon though, as she will probably think you’re really calling her fat.
[7] The Sorostitue has never seen taken a Latin class, seen Dead Poet’s Society or Rent, because Latin is a dead language, and those movies are old. Anything made before three years ago is old.
[8] The Sorostitute is unaware that there was an original Beetle because it’s old.
[9] The Sorostitute, like the Dude, doesn’t know how to dress for winter. For example, when a Sorostitute buys a winter coat, she sometimes opts for a tight, midriff parka.
[10] Authors’ note: Sorostitutes usually spell Sara without the H. –Sarah
[11] As a general rule, Sorostitutes don’t eat. They’re known to consume 1800-calorie coffee drinks from Starbucks as a substitute for a meal. There is a very small subcategory of Sorostitute that likes to talk about how she can eat as much as she wants without gaining weight, but they’re extremely rare.
[12] They never get tired of going out, yet it bores them.
[13] Sorostitutes often fail to discern between loungewear and actual clothing. Anything from Victoria’s Secret is considered acceptable attire to wear in public.
[14] Sorostitutes have tattoos of hearts, cherries, or Playboy bunny heads because hip tattoos have to be sexy. Tattoos of butterflies are relegated to the lower back area.
[15] It is not recommended that the professor try to explain pedagogical motives because this will just piss her off. One should just say, “Because it’s worth fifty points.” The Sorostitute understands numbers because they remind her of money.
[16] Sorostitutes can be very creative with Halloween costumes, and have been known to sexify the most unsexy things. Examples include sexy Care Bears, sexy mice, sexy pirates, and sexy referees.
[17] Author’s note: One time I went to a Halloween party at Ohio University and met a Sorostitute dressed as a brick. Her Dude boyfriend was dressed as a bricklayer. Ha. Get it? – Meg
[18] Either on a beach or in a bar, and, of course, holding alcoholic beverages.
[19] The pinnacle of fame, to the undergraduate Sorostitute, is appearing in a Girls Gone Wild video, as this documents the unmatchable wildness of her spring break. The Sorostitute lives to inspire envy.
[20] Classification of the Fat One is entirely subjective. Depending on the group of Sorostitutes, The Fat One could be a Sorostitute who’s slightly larger than the rest of her friends, but not fat, or, she really could be fat.
[21] The Fat One may or may not even be slutty, it’s just that the other Sorostitutes are amazed that she manages to have sex at all because she’s so fat.
[22] Sorostitutes get violent when threatened, and have been known to break windows, key cars, or hospitalize female opponents. Passive-aggressive Sorostitutes prefer to verbally annihilate other women with gossip and unsubstantiated rumors of poverty, fake purses, or virginity.
[23] Except for, maybe, the Sorostiposeur.
[24] Sorostitution ends when the Sorostitute is finally entertained. Through amusement, she gains purpose in life, usually either via marriage or childbirth.
[25] Though not a two-syllable word, the Sorostitute usually drags it out to two syllables.
[26] Or so they believe. Sorostitutes are unaware that there were models around before Cindy Crawford.
[27] Try not to worry too much about communicating with Sorostitutes. There’s a very slim possibility that any of them will even notice you’re in the same room with them.
[28] Sorostitutes understand graduation as a general concept, but they plan to drop out of college upon marriage, which happens before graduation. If a Sorostitute is not engaged before her senior year, she will change her major to buy more time.