Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull.

"I can change."

Say what you want about reality TV; it can be cathartic as a Greek tragedy. For example, at tonight's Tool Academy reunion show, we all learned that Shawn, my TA favorite, impregnated a girl he met and fornicated with at a gas station (presumably all on the same day but, really, who knows).

"I love you."

You know, even after Shawn accidentally drunkenly depantsed himself while impersonating Matsuflex and we all saw the arched, tattooed text above his junk that says Kung Fu Hero, he was still my pick for Tool Academy winner.

.

Even after he picked fights with all the other tools and routinely used the word "bro" without irony, I still had a soft spot for Shawn. I really believed in him, which must be symptomatic of a larger problem.

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Shawn's inability to learn how not to be a tool seemed a personal affront to me; so, tonight, when the TA reunion host asked him if he was still a tool, and Shawn confidently said "Yes," I realized: I was rooting for Shawn because hopeless tools are kind of my thing.

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Ah, yes. And now my life makes sense.