The Dude Manifesto

Three years later, I still get the occasional email request for copies of the Manifestos. And one day, they will almost certainly get one or both of their authors in trouble.

The Dude Manifesto
By Sarah G. & Meg T.

Dedicated to those two Dudes in the Taco Bell parking lot, February 19, 2006. Because Dudes love Taco Bell.


The Complexities of Dudedom

Though it is not immediately visible, the Dude is a very complex creature. Dudes really like winter because they can snowboard, ski, and throw snowballs at faggots. When a Dude sees a hill in winter, he thinks about how totally awesome it would be to descend it at an extreme speed, because the Dude loves extreme speed. Yet, the complexity emerges in the Dude’s winter wardrobe. Dudes have no patience for winter clothes – especially winter coats – because that symbolizes weakness in a Dude’s mind. The Dude stoically endures winter, insisting that it’s not that cold outside. Real Dudes can take the cold without something pussy like a fleece-lined jacket to protect them. To a Dude, a hooded sweatshirt is a winter coat. Dudes never use the hoods on their hooded sweatshirts because Dudes always wear hats.[1] Sometimes Dudes pair their hooded sweatshirts with sweatpants. This shows he is fully prepared for winter, and Dudes love sweatpants almost as much as they love track pants, and definitely more than corduroy. Dudes hate corduroy.

Dudes often perform the peculiar activity of wearing shorts, usually mesh, in the winter because a) they love mesh shorts, and b) wearing shorts shows that they are definitely Dudes. Shorts show that the Dude is strong. He can take the sub-zero temperatures. Though it is rare, Dudes are sometimes seen wearing huge, fluffy parkas with mesh shorts (see also Aberration: The Jersey Dude). This is the Dude’s way of saying, “Hey, I know it’s cold, but it’s not a big deal” because if there’s one thing a Dude hates, it’s when people, especially bitches, make a big deal out of things.

Further evidence of Dude complexity is found in the Dude’s love of cars, in particular, Jeeps. Dudes love Jeeps because they’re unsafe, impractical, and expensive to maintain – everything the Dude wants in a vehicle and a bitch. And Jeeps are a big hit with the bitches, which is another plus in the Dude’s mind.

But the Dude also loves spoilers, and as of yet, no one’s figured out how to attach a spoiler to a Jeep. So, sometimes the Dude prefers a car he can modify. Dudes love to modify cars. Sometimes Dudes just say “mod,” as in “mod car” because Dudes like to exert the smallest amount of energy possible (see also Dude Names). Modifying a car usually entails installing a spoiler, a loud muffler, and tinted windows. Little cars are good for modifying, but don’t ever tell a Dude a little car is good for the environment. Dudes hate the environment almost as much as they hate faggots. Recycling, for example, is for hippies and lesbians, thus the Dude refuses to recycle. A Dude is perfectly content being surrounded by garbage and, though he probably doesn’t know what it means, the Dude is really glad he lives in a throwaway society because the Dude loves to throw stuff away.

Another example of Dude complexity lies in his consumption of energy drinks, as the Dude never physically manifests enthusiasm, energy, or excitement. Emotion pisses a Dude off. The Dude is always low-key.

When Dudes Dress Up

When Dudes go out they wear enough cologne to sedate a small horse or a group of eight to ten bitches.

A Dude’s idea of dressing up is wearing khaki pants that he’s just Febrezed because Dudes love Febreze. To a Dude, khakis are formal wear, and though he may have multiple pairs of khaki cargo pants, he sticks to sweatpants or track pants for informal affairs. Dudes wear a very specific type of jean – not too tight, because tight jeans are for faggots and pussies. He usually wears a thoughtfully disheveled jean to impress bitches, faded and distressed to perfection.

Dudes know the best way (and perhaps the only way) to pick up bitches is to shop at Hollister for jeans and striped button up shirts with a collar the Dude may or may not pop, depending on how sassy a Dude feels.

Usually there is only one Dude per group with a popped collar. He is the alpha male Dude. Dudes pop collars in much the same way roosters puff up their chests to attract hen bitches. Layered popped collars, increasingly rare, are the ultimate symbol of Dudedom. The Dude with multiple popped collars is the King of All Dudes.

In the absence of popped collars, bitches can look for the Dude with the most gel in his hair to find the alpha Dude. One popular Dude hairstyle that necessitates a lot of gel is the upward vertical Dude bang flip, in which the front of a Dude’s hair is gelled upward to resemble a duck’s ass.[2]

Dudes know not to wear hats when they go out to get bitches. Dudes sometimes struggle with this, as Dudes love to wear hats. New Dudes[3] occasionally wear hats when they go out. New Dudes must learn on their own, usually through observation of older Dudes who are getting bitches, not to wear hats out. Other Dudes won’t verbally instruct young Dudes because Dudes don’t really like to talk that much, unless it’s about March Madness, bitches they’ve fucked in the recent past, or bitches they intend to fuck in the immediate future.

Dudes only wear sneakers or shoes that look like bowling shoes, except in the summer, when they wear flip flops almost exclusively. The summer is also when Dudes pair layered t-shirts with a white coral necklace, a shell necklace, or a hemp necklace. Dudes sometimes get excited (though they’d never admit it) for summer because they can show off the tribal tattoos on their shoulders, calves, or biceps.

Dudes know they have to dance when they go out because that’s where the bitches are. Some Dudes prefer to stand at the bar drinking so they can watch bitches from afar. These Dudes hunt in packs. They really hate to dance, and if you try to make them, they’ll get really mad, and Dudes hate to get mad because showing emotion is for pussies. Dudes don’t know how to dance, so they employ the surprise attack strategy and dance all up on a bitch from behind. Dudes keep their hands around a bitch’s hips and sway back and forth with varying degrees of pelvic thrusting. This way the bitch won’t see that the Dude doesn’t really know how to dance. Dudes won’t dance within five feet of other Dudes if they can help it because they don’t like competition, plus they don’t want to look like a faggot.

A Dude’s evening out is never complete until two bitches make out. If a Dude is feeling particularly generous, he’ll buy both bitches a shot of Jaeger. This practice also serves as a way of marking the Dude’s territory and says to other Dudes, “I’m spending twelve dollars on these bitches, so they’re mine.” The ultimate goal of this interaction, for the Dude, is a threesome. Dudes love threesomes, as long as it’s with the Dude and two bitches, because Dudes hate sausage parties.

Dude Pets

Dudes occasionally own iguanas or venomous snakes, though most favor Pit Bulls or, as a last resort, Dobermans. The Dude’s dog generally weighs at least 80 pounds.[4]

Dude Names

True Dudes have one-syllable names – preferably ones that end in D, such as Chad, Brad, Todd, and Thad, although Chris, Mike, and Matt are also popular Dude names. If a Dude happens to have a very undude name, other Dudes will probably create a nickname for him, usually derivative of the Dude’s last name (i.e. Smitty, or Big D).

Dude Food

Wine is for faggots. Water is for pussies. Dudes prefer beer. Dudes love Chinese buffets. Dudes also love energy drinks, which range from the Vault/ Red Bull family to the Gatorade/ Powerade family. Dudes have sophisticated selection processes for identifying acceptable finger foods. Chicken wings and chips please the Dude palate, and either item alone can function as a meal. But don’t ever offer a Dude a finger sandwich or a canapé because those foods are gay. Dudes use hot sauce as a topping for everything. Dudes prefer to grill their food but, if grilling is an impossibility, Dudes will happily settle for Taco Bell because there’s hot sauce there. Taco Bell is a site of Dude-to-Dude bonding and, occasionally, bitch watching. Dudes go to Taco Bell in groups and sit together while they don’t talk. Dudes love to pay seven dollars for a turkey sandwich, and consider Panera fine dining. Dudes can be seen streaming out of Panera in droves wearing striped button up shirts and jeans from Hollister while they guide their bitches by putting a hand on the small of the bitch’s back.

Dude Entertainment

When entertaining a Dude, the most important thing to remember is that art is for faggots. Don’t ever take a Dude to the theatre, a poetry reading, or an art gallery. Dudes love X-Box. Dudes love text messaging because they don’t have to talk, and are easily seduced with a texted invitation to light fireworks, drink some beer, and then smash the empty bottles on the ground. Some of the more athletic dudes may also appreciate an invitation to play beer pong, while refined dudes with a discerning aesthetic sensibility enjoy judging wet t-shirt contests or Rear of the Year competitions.

Dudes have extensive collections of songs that make bitches dance (see also When Dudes Dress Up). Dudes love classic rock. Led Zeppelin and Lynyrd Skynyrd are dude favorites. Some Dudes also like Bob Seeger but not, like, in a gay way. Dudes can be spotted at concerts shirtless and sweaty, using one hand to hold a plastic cup of beer, and another to project the international dude rallying cry, “Play Free Bird!”[5] Even without popped collars, alpha male Dudes can be identified in this setting by the bitch (also, occasionally, shirtless) sitting on the Dude’s shoulders.

Dudes love Fight Club because there’s a lot of punching in it. So it makes sense that Dudes also love to lift weights. Dudes love porn, and favor the lesbian genre.[6] Dudes love Sports Center because it’s on ESPN. Dudes also love Scarface. Anyone who doesn’t love Scarface is gay. If Sports Center and Scarface are on TV at the same time, Dudes experience inner turmoil, and Dudes hate inner turmoil. Dudes love The O.C. and Laguna Beach because those shows feature a bunch of fine bitches. Marissa Cooper? The Dude would love to hit that. Dudes love Family Guy because Peter Griffin is an older Dude that Dudes can look up to. Plus, Lois is one hot piece of animated ass.

Dudes like movies with explosions or burning buildings because when bitches get trapped in burning buildings they take their shirts off to beat the heat. Dudes’ favorite movies feature former Saturday Night Live stars. Dudes love John Belushi. Many Dudes appreciate the subtle nuances of character that Chris Farley brought to his performances, while other, more highbrow, Dudes prefer the emotional depth found in Adam Sandler films.

Dudes rarely watch whole movies because Dudes really like to sleep. Dudes take at least one nap per day. Between napping, playing X-Box, and getting bitches, Dudes don’t have time to watch whole movies in one sitting.

Dude Spirituality

Dudes get freaked out when they have to talk about religion. The Dude only goes to church if a bitch makes him (see also When a Dude Loves a Bitch). Despite the Dude’s unfamiliarity with spirituality, the Dude has strong opinions regarding religion and favors Christianity without exception. Other religions are for hippies because they’re gay.

Academic Dude

The Dude is most ubiquitous on college campuses and further evidence of Dude complexity is found in academia. Dudes major in business, communications, or engineering even though they hate writing, talking and studying. Dudes think writing papers is for faggots, so they often refuse to staple their papers as an act of protest and Dude solidarity. When Dudes have to write papers, they write about sports because no other topic is interesting. The Dude’s presence is almost overwhelming to meek bitch instructors, so Dudes never volunteer to answer questions or contribute to class discussion. Dudes sit in the back of classrooms and roll their eyes or sleep during gay classes like English, only occasionally altering their routine to stretch and loudly yawn, scoff or guffaw, or to ask if the class will be dismissed early.[7]

Aberration: The Sensitive Dude

Sensitive Dudes listen to Jack Johnson, Howie Day, and Ben Harper. Sensitive Dudes quote Dave Matthews songs to get bitches and hang wall-length tapestries in their dorm rooms. Sensitive Dudes are hard to spot by sight alone, and are only apparent when they wear a blazer over their hooded sweatshirts. A Sensitive Dude will sometimes claim to know how to play the guitar, but if there’s one thing a Sensitive Dude does know, it’s that his sensitivity is a big hit with the bitches.

Aberration: The Regional Pride Dude

A Regional Pride Dude is a Dude who loves to hunt for bitches and deer. This Dude usually displays an American flag somewhere on his Jeep, SUV or truck, and is the only variety of Dude who enjoys country music.

Aberration: The Jersey Dude

The Jersey Dude is one of the proudest of his kind. Think male peacock. Easily recognizable even from a distance by his unduly arrogant swagger, the Jersey Dude is a prolific representative of true Dudosity. Jersey Dudes are rarely caught without a cell phone on one ear, though they clearly contribute to conversation monosyllabically, if at all. Jersey Dudes’ one visible ear protrudes from the bottom of a baseball cap and displays at least one gold earring to match the gold chain around the Dude’s neck. Some Jersey Dudes adorn their necklaces with gold crosses (see also Dude Spirituality). Jersey Dudes are the only variety of Dude who entertains the possibility of wearing rings.

In winter, Jersey Dudes pair an oversized, puffy parka with a hood trimmed in faux-fur with a pair of mesh basketball shorts, sneakers, and white ankle socks. However, under the parka, the Jersey Dude’s winter wardrobe is unchanged from his summer wardrobe; the Jersey Dude is widely credited with originating the “wife beater” trend and Jersey Dudes wear wife beaters year-round to most occasions (see also When Dudes Dress Up). Wife beaters are the perfect way for Jersey Dudes to show off their tribal tattoos.

The Jersey Dude is the only Dude who listens to techno. Jersey Dudes are among the most liberal and inclusive of the Dudes, as they have relatively low standards when it comes to bitches.[8]

When a Dude Loves a Bitch

Dudes make a habit of text messaging several bitches the same message before going out. This has multiple benefits. Dudes hate to organize, write lists, or make plans. So, by doing this, the Dude can efficiently select a bitch to spend the evening with without wasting time talking, as he can quickly identify the bitch with the most appealing plans and proceed accordingly. This also allows the Dude to keep tabs on all his bitches, and reserve a backup bitch to keep on standby in case plans fall through with his first choice bitch.

Dudes know bitches don’t enjoy Dude activities (see also Dude Entertainment), and Dude courting rituals respectfully acknowledge the differences between sexes. Dudes on dates pay for dinner, and then complain about the expense of bitches after the date to other Dudes. Dudes hate when bitches open doors for themselves because the Dude loves to feel needed. Bitches that are independent are lesbians. In exchange for the Dude’s consideration and attentiveness, bitches are expected to lead conversation by asking the Dude questions about himself, giggling and offering compliments accordingly.

Sometimes bitches get all uppity and accuse a Dude of cheating. This is an ugly myth, but a common misconception. The truth is Dudes don’t intentionally cheat on bitches; the Dude is monogamous by nature, preferring not to spend any more time and money on bitches once he’s secured a steady bitch. It’s just that all bitches look the same and act the same because they are the same, so sometimes the Dude cheats accidentally. It’s hard to keep track of the bitches because they’re all orange year-round, they all wear gaucho pants and really big sunglasses, and they all carry either an oversized bag covered with sequins, or a Dooney and Bourke.[9]

Sometimes Dudes are forced to pull a Houdini[10] when they get their bitches mixed up. But truly committed Dudes are noble and self-sacrificing. For example, a Dude will go to church for a bitch.[11]



The Dude Dictionary

Bitch: every woman, except a Dude’s mother.
Cock block: a person or action that prevents a Dude from getting with a bitch.
Dyke: a female that does not desire sex with a Dude.
syn. lesbian; feminist.
Faggot: a male who is not a Dude.
Freeball: to go without underwear.
Houdini, The: after sex, the act of getting dressed, then quietly slipping away while a bitch is in the bathroom.
Sausage party: an unsatisfactory ratio of Dudes to bitches.

Dude synonyms:
Chachi, sometimes shortened to Chach.
That Guy.




Quiz: Are You Dating a Dude?

1. Has he ever started and ended the same sentence with the word ‘Dude?’
2. Can he speak a complete sentence?
3. Does he prefer not to?
4. Is he the sort of guy that would have a really good time feeding mice to a snake?
5. If it were somehow possible to punch poetry, would he do it?
6. Does he own more than four hooded sweatshirts?
7. Does he ask you to write his papers for him?
8. If he knew what the ACLU was, would it piss him off?
9. When you ask him if he’d rather go to Taco Bell or punch a faggot, does he seem to experience inner turmoil?
10. Has he ever asked you to make out with another bitch in the hope of scoring a threesome with you and your friend?
11. Has he ever mistaken you for another bitch?
12. Has he ever downloaded a Motley Crue ringtone?





*** If you answered Yes more often than No, you’re dating a Dude.



A Dude’s List

Likes:
Hooded sweatshirts
X-Box
Jessica Simpson
March Madness
Beer
Girls Gone Wild videos
Sleeping
Metallica
Bacon
Modifying cars
Family Guy
Lifting weights
Hot bitches

Dislikes:
Belts
Poetry
Hillary Clinton
Philosophy
Wine
CNN
Voting
Emo
Tapas
Folding Laundry
Sex and the City
Diversity
Vegetarians[12]



[1] Dudes favor either a basic baseball cap, or a knit beanie with a bill attached.
[2] It isn’t recommended that you tell a Dude his hair looks like a duck’s ass though, as he might think you’re really calling him a faggot.
[3] Dudedom lasts approximately from age 16 to 30.
[4] Coincidentally, Dudes also prefer bitches that weigh about 80 pounds.
[5] The international Dude rallying cry was, for a brief time, replaced with “I’m Rick James, bitch!” But when the novelty wore off and it was collectively decided that that was gay, Dudes reverted to their classic catch phrase.
[6] Although in most cases the word ‘lesbian,’ in Dude vernacular, denotes any woman who does not desire sex with a Dude, in the context of pornography, ‘lesbian’ is synonymous with ‘hot bitch.’ In most cases, ‘hot bitch’ is preferable to ‘lesbian’ because the former only requires the Dude to utter two syllables.
[7] Dudes especially hate poetry, and react with unfettered hostility to assignments that require them to read British authors. Dudes write a hyphenated form of ‘faggot’ to amend titles in expression of their displeasure with poetry in library books around the country, i.e. Faggot-Assed Collected Poems of T.S. Eliot. If a Dude could punch poetry, he would.
[8] Jersey Dudes can often be seen with Jersey bitches.
[9] The sorostitute, a subcategory of bitch, prefers Coach, Gucci, or Louis Vuitton, but Dudes can’t tell the difference because designers are all faggots.
[10] The Houdini, in Dudespeak, is the act of getting dressed, then quietly slipping away while a bitch is in the bathroom.
[11] Dudes don’t go to church to meet bitches, but if a dude ends up with a Jesus-loving bitch, the dude will go to church on major holidays (see also Dude Spirituality).
[12] If a Dude knew what a vegan was, he’d hate vegans even more.