"I'd love to, but you're intolerable."

Last Friday, I had a really good time with another teacher's co-workers. I never hang out with my co-workers because they are all either old, or live in Virginia. So, here's a problem: the school librarian keeps trying to hang out with me. And now, here are some reasons why that absolutely cannot happen:

1. She is a Close Talker
2. with occasionally foul breath.
3. She has something rude to say about everyone
4. which she somehow makes irritating, rather than funny.
5. Every time I've asked her a library-related question, it's "not her job" to tell me the answer, know the answer, or know who to ask for the answer.
6. Somehow, she has gotten the idea that her only job is to prevent students from ever using the library
7. and she walks around screaming at them.
8. In the library.
9. And now none of my students can do research projects,
10. effectively widening the achievement gap.
11. She has the voice of Bruce Willis's girlfriend in Pulp Fiction
12. with some sort of unidentifiable accent (Now, imagine that -- screaming. In the library).
13. She is in her 50s.
14. She is painfully stupid.

Exhibit A

15. She is already too chummy for my liking, and continues her one-sided conversations with me, even as I am plainly backing out the door, nodding silently.

I've never been good at hiding my disdain, and I'm not sure how I can be any ruder to this woman. Today, she got in my face, singing, asking me to identify the song. I said, "I have no idea. Because I was born in the 80s." I can only assume she keeps trying to hang out with me because of reason #14. Or because, despite reason #14, she has noticed my disdain and now she wants to talk to me about a close personal relationship with Jesus. I can't figure it out, but I'm running out of excuses. Today was my second successful dodge of a phone number request.

Last night, SMF told me a story about a co-worker who hangs out in the men's restroom trying to dip his elderly pe(e)n in the 20-something company ink. Is that what this is? It just occurred to me that I might have to find a diplomatic way to turn down an intolerable date with a socially retarded elderly lesbian because there is no way I can avoid the library, as it's the only place I can print or copy anything, because I don't work in a real school. If I did, I'd just give her the local Rejection Hotline number.

I have to give this some serious thought. Right now, I can't come up with anything other than, "Well, I would, but, you know, I can't stand you," or, "I'm sorry, I can't, because you remind me too much of the witch from Hansel and Gretel."