Hallmark should make a 'Thank You for Not Dating Me' card.

I've been reading -- and thoroughly enjoying -- Psychotic Letters from Men today. Not only did this glittering piece of interweb brilliance lead me to this steaming pile of fuckery, it also reminded me of the following fond memory from last October.

I made nebulous plans to do something date-like with a gentleman who was, apparently, named Jeff. The details of how this arrangement came to be are hazy, as I was dating pretty feverishly at this point. I don't remember why plans were nebulous, but there must have been one of only two possible reasons in play:
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a) He was too lazy, ineffectual, or stupid to come up with a date idea

b) I was ambivalent and didn't care whether I saw him

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So, the pre-plan plan was for one of us to call the other on Saturday afternoon to establish plans. Unfortunately, I woke up sick that day -- truly, audibly, sick. My phone rang at noon, while I was attempting to sleep in. It was Jeff. I politely told him I wasn't feeling well, and would have to cancel the plans we hadn't even made.
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I didn't think much of the whole affair. Obviously, Jeff did, because shortly thereafter, I got this email [sic]:
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On Oct 21, 2008, at 1:30 PM, Douchebag wrote:

I thought it was worth mentioning that your behavior was not respectable at all. I had a girlfriend who told me about how she had been set up on a blind date, and it was VERY akward. Apparently she got up to go the the restroom and left the guy. I think that kind of thing shows incredible lack of character and decency. The fact that you wanted to cancel on Saturday was perfectly acceptable, and I would have had total respect for it had you taken the effort to tell me. Ignoring me and making me call you to find out is just plain rude. Your bahavior was disrespectful, low character, and completely unnecessary. Best luck.

Jeff

Obviously, there's a lot going on here.

1. The latent fear of rejection.

2. The comparison to an ex-girlfriend, contingent upon some perceived insight into my character somehow obtained before our first date.

3. The creep factor required to muster the anger to send me a passive-aggressive tirade about cancelling plans that were never made in the first place.

4. The delusional revisionist history and/ or inability to listen -- I did make the effort to cancel. By answering the phone that rang, while I was sleeping, at least eight hours before any potential date could have conceivably occurred.

5. The condescension. I'm glad my refusal to go out was "acceptable," but, no, it wasn't worth mentioning. Most things Mensa here has to say probably aren't worth mentioning.

6. The lack of editing. Jesus. Christ.

I hadn't received a Psychotic Letter from a man in a while, and I was at work, so I didn't really have time to peel apart the layers of stank in this onion of manFAIL, but I did the polite thing (again) and responded -- with prepositions -- to his missive.

Date: Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 4:28 PM

Subject: Re: hey

To: Douchebag

I might have rescheduled if you weren't so thoroughly irritating, Jeff.

Meta-licious.

A Spanish teacher/ Nice White Man at my school sent me this video today, along with a photo of four of the NWLs together in adorable white-lady clothes at last Friday's graduation.



I will find a way to work this video into a lesson plan.

Did I really just see this on a magazine cover?

Yes. Yes, I did.

"I'd love to, but you're intolerable."

Last Friday, I had a really good time with another teacher's co-workers. I never hang out with my co-workers because they are all either old, or live in Virginia. So, here's a problem: the school librarian keeps trying to hang out with me. And now, here are some reasons why that absolutely cannot happen:

1. She is a Close Talker
2. with occasionally foul breath.
3. She has something rude to say about everyone
4. which she somehow makes irritating, rather than funny.
5. Every time I've asked her a library-related question, it's "not her job" to tell me the answer, know the answer, or know who to ask for the answer.
6. Somehow, she has gotten the idea that her only job is to prevent students from ever using the library
7. and she walks around screaming at them.
8. In the library.
9. And now none of my students can do research projects,
10. effectively widening the achievement gap.
11. She has the voice of Bruce Willis's girlfriend in Pulp Fiction
12. with some sort of unidentifiable accent (Now, imagine that -- screaming. In the library).
13. She is in her 50s.
14. She is painfully stupid.

Exhibit A

15. She is already too chummy for my liking, and continues her one-sided conversations with me, even as I am plainly backing out the door, nodding silently.

I've never been good at hiding my disdain, and I'm not sure how I can be any ruder to this woman. Today, she got in my face, singing, asking me to identify the song. I said, "I have no idea. Because I was born in the 80s." I can only assume she keeps trying to hang out with me because of reason #14. Or because, despite reason #14, she has noticed my disdain and now she wants to talk to me about a close personal relationship with Jesus. I can't figure it out, but I'm running out of excuses. Today was my second successful dodge of a phone number request.

Last night, SMF told me a story about a co-worker who hangs out in the men's restroom trying to dip his elderly pe(e)n in the 20-something company ink. Is that what this is? It just occurred to me that I might have to find a diplomatic way to turn down an intolerable date with a socially retarded elderly lesbian because there is no way I can avoid the library, as it's the only place I can print or copy anything, because I don't work in a real school. If I did, I'd just give her the local Rejection Hotline number.

I have to give this some serious thought. Right now, I can't come up with anything other than, "Well, I would, but, you know, I can't stand you," or, "I'm sorry, I can't, because you remind me too much of the witch from Hansel and Gretel."